Is it just me, or are some people just too positive. So far positive that they are bordering on delusional?
ohhh I understand the theory that a positive mindset is good for our mental health and yes I do agree. But don’t we also need to admit that sometimes life is not all rainbows and smiley faces?
Bad stuff happens and I think it’s important to deal with the bad stuff, you can’t pretend it didnt happen. It did. No amount of thinking happy thoughts is going to stop some stuff from happening and it frustrates me to eternity that there are people out there who gloss over bad things like they are actually little blessings in disguise. They won’t go away if you ignore them. You are just deluding yourself. Please just let yourself have a damn good cry and curse the universe for the bad stuff as you’ll feel so much better.
I bring this up because I know of someone on an infertility on-line chat room who is OTT positivity. Originally I admired her, and aspired to be like her but now I’m just getting bored with the act. Because you can’t turn everything into a cuddly bunny just by thinking good thoughts. This particular person’s crazy fake positivity somehow lessens the hard path IF couples have to travel. By turning everything into a Kodak moment she diminishes the events that have formed who I am today. She makes me feel like I should somehow be grateful for our miscarriages and IVF dramas. There are things I am grateful for and for those things I am really grateful, but infertility is not one of them.
People with infertility know that they are not the only ones in the world suffering. God, I know there are terrible things happening everywhere but does that mean that I shouldn’t be allowed to be disappointed that I got dealt a crappy set of cards too? We are made to believe that just because we are not on our death bed with Cancer we are not allowed to show vulnerability or sadness. Or maybe it’s just that us infertiles are so good at hiding our emotions that the ‘normal’ people of society really have no idea we are in so much pain. It’s probably a bit of both.
I’d just like to point out that I’m not comparing my pain to that of a Cancer patient. There is no practical way I could do that even if I wanted to. I don’t have Cancer so how could I know what that pain feels like?
Getting back to my original point… To Mrs-OTT-positivity-from-the-online-chat-room maybe I’m wrong, maybe your positiveness is genuine but I don’t think so. All I can say is that just because you are acting positive does not mean you will be immune to pain. You’ll get so much more support from those around you if you come across authentic. And lets face it, we all need support.
yuck, a born pessimist myself i do not care for overly positive people, why expect the best and be disappointed when i can expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised??? this type of person actually reminds me of the type of person who is constantly putting other people down, it’s said that people do this in order to feel better about themselves and i think that is what people who are overly positive are doing as well. like putting a positive spin on everything, even things that totally suck, makes them feel as though they are brightening someone else’s day, which in turn makes them feel like a better person. that sounds mean but what can i say, i’m a pessimist.
I agree. I can fall into the trap of being overly positive sometimes [aka pretending everything is fine] and then I look at myself and go WTF!
I think people should be able to not have to apologize for feeling the way they feel. One of my best friends says she hates to complain about her kids to me. Hey, if they’re being brats, they’re being brats! The fact that I don’t have kids, doesn’t change that fact. She started telling me about it again after I told her that.
Sometimes I think being negative and feeling sad is inappropriate when in all actuality, it’s normal. I just have let myself embrace it.
I know exactly what you mean. There’s a time and a place for every emotion, every feeling. To negate that by being overly optimisitic and overly positive rather than recognize the facts for what they are is insulting. Some things hurt, and it needs to be OK to say it, and it’s really nice when other people say “Wow, that does suck, I’m sorry” instead of “Things will get better, so many people are worse off, you could be one of them.” Because, really, WTF does that have to do with anything anyway? And, how do you know things will get better? They might get worse. They might stay the same. False hope is not comforting.
But that’s just me. I’m a pessimist at heart. Well, maybe not a pessimist, a realist.
I’m sorry that Mrs-OTT-positivity-from-the-online-chat-room is under your skin right now…
Actually, studies have shown that depression rates in infertile women mirror those in cancer and heart disease patients (eg http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8142988). If we feel that we’re not as ‘entitled’ as people suffering from other major illnesses to be upset about it, or that we should just soldier on without acknowledging our pain, we’re not dealing with our feelings and are more likely to have major psychological problems as a result – at least, that’s my view.
I get irritated on those boards by people who say “I KNOW you’re going to be a mother eventually” or “it WILL happen when the time is right”. They don’t know that – and with our problems it’s highly likely that I won’t ever be a mother. You’re right – sometimes we need to acknowledge the pain of this situation and not be relentlessly upbeat the whole time.
Generally speaking, I see myself as a realist (I hate the word pessimist!). I like to think I’m not negative, I just like to be prepared and so I worry a lot. Still, during this IVF cycle, I’ve tried really, really hard to stay positive. I don’t actually think it has any effect on the outcome of the cycle per se, but it makes things a bit easier for me to handle. That said, we all have those moments where we fall down, and we need to talk about that openly and honestly. IF sucks. No point in pretending that it doesn’t. And some of the posts that have been the most helpful to me have been written by bloggers expressing heartfelt pain or worry.
Admittedly, I often struggle to come up with the right thing to say when commenting. Just not one of those people who easily intuits what people need to hear. But I tell myself, better to express something, and be supportive, than to say nothing at all. Just knowing someone else is out there rooting for you often makes a huge difference.
You are all wonderful and you have no idea how grateful I am for your comments. Thanks ladies, you honestly have made my day.