Excuse me while I dust away the cobwebs….
I wanted to come back and fill in some gaps, for neat and tidiness sake more than anything, as I don’t expect there are too many people hanging around after 6 months of no posts!!
I’ll cut to the chase ….CJ is doing fab! He is rolling around on the floor by my feet as I type this and is proof that happy endings are absolutely REAL.
I don’t know how to fill in the gaps of 6 months but am going to type madly while I have the chance and not over think it:
– I didn’t have a magical birth experience, it was horrific and to have both mine and CJ’s lives on the line was way too much for DH to have to deal with. We are both perfectly fine now, but its not something I can easily shake from my memory.
– I didn’t get any sleep for the first 10 weeks. No shit I thought I was in hell. I felt like a failure, why the hell wouldn’t my baby sleep, why is everyone else able to go on coffee dates already and I am barely able to dress myself??? It was rough. He was tiny and demanding and honestly… we hadn’t bonded yet. I hear people talk of how they had that instant bond feeling with their baby when they held him/her for the first time. This did not happen to me. I loved him incredibly but the bond was definitely not instant. I cant pin point exactly when it happened but its there now and i know what people mean now when they say there is nothing like the love you have for your child, holy crap it is the best thing.
-My mum got diagnosed with breast cancer the day CJ was born. So she has been going through treatment, including a masectomy, since then. Its been hard, but we are closer now than we ever were. Near death, and new life certainly give a person perspective.
– He is my baby. Yes he is a donor baby, but he is my baby. But a lot of people before me have said they never even give the donor egg thing another thought and they forget they arent biologically related to their child. Well this isnt so for me. I think about it every day. Its not a negative thing, its just unrealistic to think I would forget it I think.
– My thoughts on motherhood? Unreal. Nothing can prepare you for the power of this love. It’s not easy being responsible for a baby though, not easy at all.
– Society has opened back up for me. I am no longer isolated and angry. CJ has given us a lot more different challenges but these aren’t ones that make me feel bitter and lonely.
I hope I will be back here to keep updated but honestly I cant guarantee anything. I don’t know how those of you with children carry on being the great bloggers you are. Time is precious and I just don’t have any of it. Plus we are basically broke so have had to make serious sacrifices to keep ourselves staying afloat. This includes down scaling our internet plan, so its not as easy for me to be as connected as I used to be. As I write this CJ is impatiently bashing at the keyboard so each word is taking me way to long to get legible. So I better go, sending love to you.